My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Buck naked
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.