Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
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MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy