It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
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My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Husband of the year 😂
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta