Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
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Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
consequences, the bane of my existence
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*