{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Rooting for the overdog
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird