I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
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Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde