[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
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Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.