[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
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Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.