Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
You Might Also Like
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
relationship goals