El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
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This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Plant care tips
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I think my mom just blocked me
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
groan^2
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.