I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Meeeee too!
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Brilliant!
I love it all
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Friday night party time 🥳
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets