i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
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My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os