911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
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ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”