I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
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I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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