Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist