Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.