He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
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My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.