Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
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Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
peep davidson
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”