My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
This rocks
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.