Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
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Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.