Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.