Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
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wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
…u ok Nintendo?
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.