I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
You Might Also Like
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.