[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
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How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
giddy up Office Depot
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.