all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.