Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
some cats are just doing for fun!
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.