You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!