No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
favorite tropes as memes