Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime