Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Teach your children to beatbox
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before