My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
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I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom