[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
listen closely
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.