how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Mistakes were made
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.