The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
You Might Also Like
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.