I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
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*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
They’re the worst 😩
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?