My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Trying
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.