I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
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I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
barbara was highly relatable
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Important
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it