Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art