What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Stop.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.