Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back