[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
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Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”