Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
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7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?