Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
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The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
i want to work in this restaurant
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.