Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
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My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Jesus Christ lmao
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.