A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
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[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
the world’s most popular steaming services
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Kermit goes Blue.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this