You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
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Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
WTF
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
socratic questions
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
meow