In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.