Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.