The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
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Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
This is painfully accurate 😅