Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
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Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
How I’d get arrested…
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.